Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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