apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
