Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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