man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
