Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
