you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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