After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
