Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
