the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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