Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
