Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
