we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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