true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
