my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
