oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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