If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
