Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
