Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
