Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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