this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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