i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
