just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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