you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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