so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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