I met the friendliest cop last night
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
