The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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