I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
