thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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