its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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