You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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