I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
