By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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