its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
