my sisters under your porch take her home
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
