yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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