would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
