We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
