so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
