Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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