That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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