yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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