Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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