I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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