I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
