Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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