I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
two words: eviction party
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
