i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she peed on how many people?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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