It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
