woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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