HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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