that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
