why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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