There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
this hospital has no fireball
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
