I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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