When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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